I’ve been trying for days for this blog. Finally, I did it! I’m just a university student from an undeveloped country; I’m 20 and a woman. I’m trying hard to make a change for myself and this world. It’s a critical time for the humankind, but no one cares here. Some people ”Don’t believe the global warming.” (For Real!). The majority of the population is uneducated. (but they have an opinion about everything). I feel lonely and isolated. I have big dreams but anyone believes me. I have a lot to share with you guys. See you tomorrow!
Well, things collapsed again for me. I’m here with no plans, zero expectations. I feel stressed.
2020 started fast and continuing furiously. Not the best year so far. The university thing is pushing my nerves. I fucking hate it. My time is burning there. Assignments are not for me. I’m trying to find another solution, but my mother is old-headed and talks way too much, so torture is not going to end soon.
Parents have to understand the diversity of people. I’m a different person, and the university is not the place that I will shine, sorry, mom. (not sorry).
I’m thinking, always about everything. It’s the part where I’m in an existential crisis. (I’m 21 now.)
Classic stuff like,
Why am I here now?
Do I have a purpose at all?
Where are the aliens’ dude?
What is time, how time works?
Space, Elon M., Bill G., woman rights?
How to be a millionaire?
How can I change lives?
How can I change my life?
Are we living in a simulation?
I have soo many questions like this. My body and soul is stuck where I can’t do things at all. I’m trying the writing thing now. Let’s see how it goes.
I usually like this time of the year, but something is wrong. I’m too depressed, not excited, don’t want to see anyone or do anything. Maybe I don’t believe this reality still.
Last year of high school was awful. My “father” kicked me out of his house, then I moved back to my mother’s house. She was in another city, so everything changed in two days. School was the most important for me. My friends, teachers. I signed up for a new high school, which was disgusting. I was crying my ass off every morning to not to go there. I obviously needed a high school diploma but, It was a real torture for me. Not just mental, I was feeling real pain in my chest. The drowning feeling. My mom was alone, and she was struggling too. I was a mess. All I did was eating and sleeping. I gained 40 kilograms in 6 months, I was hurting myself, I closed all my social accounts, deleted everything, felt like garbage. In 2017 I was 112 kilograms. Binge eating, not using my meds correctly, always angry and sad, kept cutting myself. I never had a good relationship with food because of my useless piece of shit, “father”. He had a problem with me and how I look since I was little. He called me chubby, bear, fat. He told me that anyone will hire me or love me or like me looking like this, and I wasn’t THAT fat before. In mid-2017, I tried to kill myself. At that time I haded a boyfriend. I called him from the emergency room that day. He didn’t believe me. He was adorable. In 2017 summer, he cheated on me with 3 girls and lied after. Classic right? She gained and problematic, fuck 4 years, and find another one. Just like Khalid. When I heard this, I was devastated. I felt worthless once again. I was 112 kilograms, way too depressed and alone. What I was hoping for? I didn’t leave him, he left and blocked me from everywhere you can think of. 2017 was a shitty year.
This month my life changed for real. I founded my passion, what I liked to do. I started Welcome Back Company. I set up my WP site and organized other platforms. It all happened because I used the internet benefits. This shit takes time, but it worths. Machine learning is beautiful. It fascinates me. I will write properly when I set everything up.
I’m going to dive in. I’m not happy at all. But why?
I’m 20, and I want to have fun, I want to wear what I want and wear without thinking. I want to think of positive things after graduation. I want to connect to the world. I want to learn the latest news quickly and true. I want to use public transportation without having a panic attack. I want to go out anytime I want without fear of molestation and abuse. I want to trust the police will protect me if something happens to me or someone hurts me or my family and friends. I want to travel to learn about other cultures. I want people to respect me as a human being, as a woman, as a student. I want people to respect my ideas. I want people to respect conflicting views. I want people to respect animals. I want people to respect the environment. I want people to understand it’s almost 2020.
Technology and science evolved as fuck. People should notice that, and as a student in practically 2020, I shouldn’t be thinking these simple subjects.
I’m a woman. I can’t wear what I want freely. People here judge you with their eyes without eye contact. It’s like a telepathic connection in a judgy way. People are unnecessarily involved with you and how you look.
As a student, I can’t think about my future. Big companies won’t see me because of my country. They even don’t accept my degree when I graduate.
Domestic companies. I don’t trust local companies at all. They usually hire their relatives or family members for higher positions.
The economy is fucked up, and taxes are flying high. Collage graduates can’t find jobs. Inflation rates are high, really high. 1 TL = 0.18 USD 1 TL = 0.16 EUR
Inflation rates are high, really high. People are suffering, especially in the Anatolia and the eastern parts of Turkey. East part is in a war for 35 – 40 years with terrorists.
Terrorists were exploding live bombs in significant squares in Turkey 3 years ago. Istanbul, Ankara. They killed thousands of people.
There is a Climate change. It’s alarming. We should stop this violence, killing and pay attention to what matters.